Penguins, Moustaches, Bright Eyes and Sweet Coughs

23 04 2008

Shiny happy people laughing beware, here I come. Bumble bee. Rumble and tumble all week long and in the end it feels like hustling. No, you cannot expect people to be cheerful all the time, chatty everyday and joyful when it would be convenient. So what do I do?

On Wednesday I get stabbed twice in the back. Six stitches and itchy scabs, that’s what you get when you step in the way of melanomas and what not. That same day is me beginning to work for a new team in the office. Yes indeed, I’m joining a squad working on northern section of the project. I’ll be reading maps like the back of my hand, and my hand will be back on top of the stack flipping pancakes for whoever wants to come and breakfast on Sundays with us again.

Fish has been watching my back lately, the stitches mainly. He’s sort of my mad vet with a mean smile and tight pants. Ouch.

But that’s not the point. My point’s the cape. Cape Town. The capital city of whatever you need, including penguins and moustache bars. Friday night and we are driving to ORTIA, the international airport, a black hole that snaps you fast into faraway holidays and spits you out a few days latter with your dirty laundry on the dusty sidewalks of Gauteng. The plane takes off late in the chilly night and speeds straight towards the West in a deafening din. Who’s the ‘we’ says Ali in a previous post. ‘We’ is a she that talks to me with bright eyes and delicate manners, interrupted from time to time by her own coughs. ‘We” is a me that talks to her behind the steering wheel of our bright green rental car on the road slipping down towards the misty mountains of the Cape. Yes, time off. We’re off the hook and sliding on thin air. In 48 hours we’ll be gone.

The next morning we wake up in a deco lodge: purple walls, orange couch, a grey pool and loads of dogs. We drive slowly on sunny coastal roads with the ocean in the background. Everywhere are costly white houses flanked on hill tops like a pearl necklace around the throat of a too wrinkled and too tanned old lady. We reach Camps Bay where I eat bacon pancakes with maple syrup and almonds in front of the deserted shore. Next stop is Simon’s Town in the south, fancy architecture, smelly penguins (Penguin!), tasty sardines, milky oysters, peaceful view and marine mercifulness. It’s a little chilly so we decide do end lunch in a coffee shop, a hot Belgian chocolate for me please. I decide to end the hot chocolate by a brioche. Yes please.

As the sun slowly starts to fall from its zenith, the temperature follows. We reach the waterfront before sunset and she buys a black scarf to prevent her cold from worsening, a cold that I would catch the following day. ‘We’ is a she that talks to me with delicate manners interrupted from time to time by her own coughs.

In the night we slither again along the rocks for half an hour like eager cats rushing towards preys we would have smelt miles away. We reach a small bay in the East; we park next to the restaurant on the wharf, step in the sand and walk up the stairs into a wooden room. A seafood platter for two and too much starters, please, and don’t forget the wine! French disappointment. No, grilled cheese on top of a dish does not make any sense nor makes it any better. We lost appetite in that restaurant; I lost my jumper in that restaurant.

The Sunday morning is sunny and cool. Cold and painful. We leave the hotel and enter a nice Italian food place – nice because authentic, authentic as in someone living and loving is in charge of something around here – it’s good to feel that for once, even though this time it’s very brief. We’re short on time so we grab peach orange juice packed in poorly designed plastic cans that look like hand grenades. Boom! Bye bye Cape Town and hello wine land.

Boschendal here we come. We picnic under the soothing sun and talk about the past or people we know. Some roaring shinny vintage cars drive off in the long alley of the neat cottage while we sip white wine.
Shiny happy people laughing beware, here I come. Bumble bee. Rumble and tumble all week long and in the end it feels like hustling. No, you cannot expect people to be cheerful all the time, chatty everyday and joyful when it would be convenient. So what do I do?

We decide to head off to the west coast and sit on the beach. We stay there for a while. We forget about the rest, step outside time and have a look inside ourselves. Lying on my towel, she’s resting against me. I feel her soft embrace around me, a healing touch. She caresses my cheek and my hair with her wind charged with light sand. I am sinking into her whispering songs of rushing waves. I fall asleep into her arms and so does she. When I wake up I feel better. The Good Life again for a short moment. Shiny happy people laughing beware, here I come. We walk along the shore and end up drinking a beer in a rock bar during a gig; around us most men wear facial hair (Moustache Bar!). We watch the peer fading in the bright orange lights of this end of weekend.

Suddenly everything starts slipping away from us and as surely as any beginning has its end, we are uncontrollably sucked back by ORTIA, speeding towards to the hub like mindless mummies running for a nice place in their still tombs. ‘We” is a speechless me trying to find a sense to all this, behind the steering wheel of our bright green rental car on the road driving us back to our serious duties.

“We” landed in Johannesburg at 11:45 pm, like a Cinderella’s story, the dream was over at the stroke of midnight.





African Party

7 04 2008





Carjacking, You Can’t Get me I’m a CIA Agent

4 04 2008

Last Monday morning, I stared apprehensively at my screen for a moment. I had just received an email requesting my attendance to the Urban Survival Experience. We need to follow a training course to prepare us to carjacking attempts. Ouch! A thorn in my side. I don’t want to go.

It is just another bad news, something you are reminded of, that you have been trying to forget even though you knew you shouldn’t have.

The training is cut up in three parts spread over fours, by groups of eight people.

The Theory:

  • Origins of violence, the economy behind carjacking, statistics and background on carjacking.
  • How to detect, prevent or escape carjacking and grab and smash situations.

The Practice:

  • Real life carjacking exercise. Cold sweat.

The Lesson:

  • Drive around with a chauffeur showing you how to drive (CIA method as I call it) and what to look for. Essentially illustrating what has been said in theory.

So what’s my opinion? Hum. Mitigated.

On one hand I have learned or realised interesting things, such as:

  • Carjacking is only a mean to get money in order to buy drugs, i.e. the drug cartels are behind the much organised large scale carjacking industry.
  • Carjackers operate in groups (four usually).
  • Various means and techniques to carjack a car (e.g. fake road block that enables them to carjack 10 to 15 cars at a time).
  • How to act in the case of an unfortunate event.
  • Carjackers get high on drugs to commit the crime, hence the violence. Sometimes they also use traditional healers to protect them (bullet-proof or invisibility) hence their sometimes illogical behaviour.
  • Carjacking is a hunt and all you can do is to make yourself less of an easy prey than you neighbour.
  • Most carjackers have been doing that for many years and they are way better and cleverer than you on these few seconds. Once they have decided to hit they is nothing you can do.

On the other hand the trainers also said a few things that made me wonder if they were not just self-proclaimed specialists:

  • “Men are fortunate. They never get lost. Women, they always get lost. Always. They say it’s because they have a lot of stuff going on in their mind.”
  • They want us to drive ludicrously (CIA way): at all time look for eventual escape routes and adjust your position on the road accordingly; drive while looking at all bushes and blurry areas where threats could be hiding; anticipate obstacles (behind sharp turns, pot holes, rocks) while continuously analysing what’s happening in your rear mirror (how long has the car been behind me, how many people in the car…); Keep your distance and monitor what is happening way in front (6 or 7 cars ahead) while observing traffic lights in order to adjust the speed of your vehicle in order to – ideally – never stop. (But if you stop it is fine as you always have your escape route to go by). Easy peazy.
  • Absolute truths about corruption, Africa, South Africans that are – to me – a little doubtful.
  • A priori on road rage and violence in other countries (usually wrong as far as I have seen).

Tips on how to avoid carjacking and “smash and grabs”

  • Be aware. The idea is always to look for suspicious things happening and in case of doubt, flee.
  • Always have yourself an escape route, and at least never get yourself in a situation where you can be cornered (keep you distance, don’t turn in a drive way until you can get in all the way, don’t escape into a house or a private property but look for public places with armed guards if possible.
  • Be suspicious of anything out of the ordinary.
  • For Smash and grabs, at intersections, look out for pedestrians. If they are not selling things and looking to be waiting for something while not crossing, be careful. Same for people crossing the road in a slow manner and meandering between cars. Always make eye contact with vendors or anyone approaching you vehicle and keep an eye until they are gone. Don’t get fooled by obvious distractions.

What to do in case of carjacking

  • You should always drive with windows up and doors looked, that will greatly help when the worse happens.
  • Surrender everything that is in the car (bags, wallets keys etc…) without a hesitation. They are worthless.
  • As soon as the gun is on you, put your hands where they can be seen; with your left hand only, put the car to neutral, lock the hand break and unbuckle your seatbelt, open the door and come out both feet at the same time. Don’t look at them in the eye, and walk away towards the back of the car. Done. Gone.
  • If you have a baby in the back, grab it with your left hand while still being seated (and door locked).
  • If you have one or several passengers, they must all exit the vehicle from the same side as the driver does (the man in charge will be on that side, with more experience; the ones on the other side can be potentially crazy weirdoes with sensitive triggers).

My personal advice not mentioned in the course

As they are taking your car typically for resell, they need it ready to sell or to chop (for parts) and so spotless. I say, drive a wreck. Even carjackers looking for a ride to flee form a crime scene will think twice before hopping in a rusty ride with a dodgy look.

Drive safely and… be aware.





The Web I like

3 04 2008

I have added a new page to my blog to share various websites I currently like.

The magic of creativity, it’s all in the “Web I Like” page which you can access by clicking on the link at the top of this page.





Screaming Mermaids with Red Fingernails

1 04 2008

“What goes on in my mind is magnetic, impetuously chaotic. Ideas spout and twine, spin and whistle like mad mermaids screaming for freedom. They scrape inside my skull with their red slick fingernails until I give up. Dizzy. Tany” Tany

Picture of my latest painting here: Tany @ dejavu-production.com